The X-Files (Bowman, 1998)

This movie better have the theme song.

There it is. Kind of.

So there are these two people walking in the snow. Mulder and Scully? It's West Texas. Why is there snow? Oh. It's in prehistoric times. Wampas?

What is this cave. Oh, a monster is here. An alien? Ancient alien astronaut? Why did the cavemen go in this cave?

The caveman just killed the alien and OH NO HE'S RELEASD THE BLACK OIL!

This kid is like a little Boomhauer.

Boomhauer kid is so dead.

Who's this guy getting off the helicopter?

I don't know what's happening but I know it's ominous and dramatic because the music IS SO OMINOUS AND DRAMATIC.

Terry O'Quinn!

11:45 is the first appearance of Scully. And She's on the phone with Mulder.

I think Mulder's "panic" face is the same as his "sexy" face.

Is there an x-file behind that vending machine? I would like an entire movie of Mulder looking for x-files where there are none.

Terry O'Quinn had a moustache last time he appeared on The X-Files, too. I forget which episode that was.

Push the button, Locke!

I hope this bomb was planted by an alien.

Suicide by terrorist plot?

I'm surprised Scully and Mulder were reassigned together.

Haha. Now they split them up.

Also: I could never pull off a skirt-suit with that length skirt.

Scully is quitting because she's seen too much and a regular FBI job would be boring? So what's she going to do instead that will be more interesting?

Well when you say it like that, Mulder, you sound paranoid. But nice way to sum up 5 seasons worth of character development real quick.

"I've been watching your career for a while, and I've decided to only approach you now, while you're peeing in an alley."

Well if it couldn't be aliens that planted the bomb, I guess the government is the next best choice.

"Get dressed Scully! I want to play X-Files! Let's go look for aliens!"

You know that this is a feature length movie and not a two-part episode because the music is much more dramatic. Is it still Mark Snow?

Smoking Man! Good thing they brought him back just in time to be in the movie!

It's helicopter guy again.

The firefighter is pregnant with an alien?

We need aliens to be real in order for Mulder to be a hero. Without them, he is just a tragic figure.

Mulder: Do you smell that, Scully? It smells like a government cover-up!

Scully: Let's poke it!

Wait, is this a metaphor for HIV?

Really? The Syndicate can't kill Mulder so they're going to go after Scully? (She's the "thing" he holds most dear, right?)

The Helicopter Guy Memorial Playground

Is Mulder going to jump on this train? Nope. Just follow it.

Mulder is kind of like Lois Lane (investigating tenaciously to the point of trespassing and risk of bodily harm) and Superman (rescuing Scully) all in one.

There are so many helicopters in this movie.

Hey Scully, remember that time we were being chased through a desert cornfield by helicopters?

Okay, Scully you go deliver this evidence and I'll go to a bar. Try to keep a straight face while you deliver my kooky theory.

You complete me, Scully.

What?? The ambulance driver just shot Mulder in the face!

Scully gets a bee sting and Mulder gets shot in the face. The End.

Wow. That ambulance driver was a terrible shot. That was point blank. If they just wanted to slow him down, why not just break his legs?

The car blew up. No one told me this was an action flick.

How did Mulder get to Antarctica? I don't think you can just buy a plane ticket...

Well anyway, we're back on Hoth.

Hey Scully, remember that time we were about to kiss and then you got stung by a bee and I got shot in the face? Well now I'm in Antarctica. Wanna build an igloo and make out?

Smoking Man is also in Antarctica. The gang's all here!

Is that the mother ship from ID4? It looks like the mother ship from ID4.

Okay, Scully, right after I pull these slimy tubes out of your mouth let's pick up where we left off with that kiss.

Wait, why is the whole secret base collapsing? "It's all gone to hell" isn't an acceptable answer, Smoking Man.

This whole attack the fortress and save the princess sequence is my least favorite part of the movie so far.

Hey Scully, when you were passed out I gave you CPR. That's kind of like kissing, right?

Why are the aliens escaping?

So the secret base was a space ship? I don't understand at all. And how are they going to get back home?

FINE, Mulder, I *won't* quit the FBI. Geez.

So this FBI lady is like, "I don't believe your story so I'm going to delete your report." And Scully's like, "Here's a bee in a bottle. Fuck you."

And then Skinner's like, "Don't look at me!"

Tatooine?

Wait, who allowed them to re-open the X-files?

What is this music they are playing during the end credits? Ewwwww.